Comments please…revised revision!!!


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I have been working on a YA fantasy – this is the blurb…please let me know what you think? Is it enticing enough for you to want to read it?

An unwitting pawn in a witch’s vengeful plan, Guillem recites a tale, which will unleash the witch, Malgraf and her bestial offspring resulting in havoc and murder. Can Guillem be stopped in time? Can a mysterious old woman and her daughter protect the kingdom?

Guillem had worried if his tried and tested tales would be worthy of the King’s court. As he succumbed to sleep an image of his earlier campfire appeared. He remembered looking deep into the firelight, his eyes transfixed by the flickering orange flames, but while semi conscious, he recalled that they had turned blue in hue taking him to a far away land. The blue flames rose up, twisting and forming into images of a witch and a horrendous beast. Strange and bewitching but a marvelous tale had been revealed to him that night, he felt sure would delight his majesty.

Thank you in anticipation…

So I have revised the revision (good grief!)– let me know if this is better – thank you all for commenting it is truly appreciated.
Initially unaware he is the unwitting pawn in a vengeful witch’s plan to be released from her entrapment. The famed troubadour Guillem attends the king’s court to recite a marvelous tale. His suspicions are raised by a strange servant’s actions. With the help of a wizened old woman and her beautiful grand-daughter, Guillem outwits the witch, Malgraf and her bestial offspring, to save the kingdom from murder and mayhem but then finds himself part of a ritual for life everlasting with the entrancing and mysterious Juliana, who captures his mind and body like no other.

14 thoughts on “Comments please…revised revision!!!

  1. Unaware he is the pawn in a vengeful witch’s plan, a famed troubadour attends the king’s court to recite to his majesty a marvelous tale. Through a series of events involving a strange servant, Guillem’s suspicions are raised, but with the help of a wizened old woman and her beautiful granddaughter, the storyteller outwits the witch to save the kingdom from murder and mayhem.

    Here’s my comments on the above revision to your revised revision (LOL):
    unaware = unwitting > deleted repetition
    Used only Guillem’s name to focus on him as the main character
    The story, the witch, and saving the kingdom = main plot line (left out last line)

    Hope this helps 🙂

    Linda

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  2. Went back and read it again, you could throw in a little if you wanted too, but just a bit! 🙂 That was one of my problems before I think, there was so much going on (with the blue flames and dream and all). For me, this revision was much clearer and I could start to picture it in my head. Wondering about this ritual for life everlasting, where does that come in? Also, was it mentioned that the marvelous tale he recites sort of accidentally unleashes this witch? I know it was mentioned in the longer version, but I might have missed it in the shorter one, and if I missed the point altogether, sorry! Anyway, no matter how you look at it, its an improvement from the last one 🙂

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  3. The last post you did on July 23 was much better. Very clear now. I liked that revision. The one before, I got confused on. But on another note, COOL, I love fantasy and that sort of magical stuff. 🙂

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  4. So I have revised – let me know if this is better – thank you all for commenting it is truly appreciated.
    Initially unaware he is the unwitting pawn in a vengeful witch’s plan; the famed troubadour Guillem attends the king’s court to recite a marvelous tale. His suspicious are raised by a strange servant’s actions. With the help of a wizened old woman and her beautiful grand-daughter Guillem outwits the witch, Malgraf to save the kingdom from murder and mayhem but then finds himself part of a ritual for life everlasting.

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  5. well first, there are a few proofreading mistakes.
    I think I want a blurb to feel that it ends. This one feels like part of it isn’t there. I’m also not sure about the questions in the first paragraph – not needed, a bit ott. I would lose succumbed to sleep and use slept, in hue, and horrendous. I agree with the comment on Guillem.

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  6. Frankly I was pretty confused by this. Who is the main character? If it’s Guillem, why does he seem to be the “bad guy”? The use of the passive voice with “can Guillem be stopped in time?” suggests that there is a hero waiting in the wings that the story needs to focus on–someone trying to stop the evil-doer. Are the “old woman” and her “daughter” the heroes here? If so, perhaps the synopsis should focus on them.

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