Excerpt from my current WIP…Comments welcome.


This character is Doze the Dormouse. The story is for children and is about woodland sprite’s that look after the forest animals.

Door

Over the past few days Doze had managed to build up his nest with extra leaves and grasses, making a warm and comfortable place for his winter’s sleep. To one side he had buried a cache of hazelnuts and pushed more leaf litter toward the logs entrance in the hope it would deter intruders. The wind was icy cold when he crept out the following evening and he shivered. He resolved that it would be his last foraging expedition for the year. By morning he had eaten his fill and gratefully curled up, ready for a long winter’s sleep. Nestling into a tight ball, his feet tucked in to his belly and his nose buried in his fur, Doze closed his eyes and began slowly his heartbeat. A few moments passed then a few more then a lot more. Why wasn’t he drifting into a deep slumber? Doze moved his position and curled up again, closing his eyes even tighter and making himself breathe slower. After eight different positions and many, many moments he was annoyed and frustrated. Whatever is the matter with me? I never have a problem sleeping. Doze told himself to concentrate on slowing everything down, breathing, heartbeat and curling tighter into a furry ball. No matter what he tried sleep would not come and eventually he heard night creatures scurrying about above and around him.

“Well this will not do, winter is for sleeping.”

Thoroughly fed up with himself, Doze ran outside thinking one more meal might do the trick. Burying himself nose first into a pile of leaves he sniffed the forest floor debris for the scent of hazelnuts. He found a few that he quickly consumed and then continued on. Hidden by thick clouds the moon’s light did not touch the trails Doze raced over, if he dallied in plain view an owl could easily grab him. He had been foraging for quite some time when a big yawn overcame him. Happily he ran back to his nest, maybe the day’s wakefulness would help him sleep. Again he curled up tightly tucking his feet into his belly and slowed his breathing but sleep did not come although he yawned time and time again.  When he heard the chorus of morning, Doze felt totally defeated. However, would he get to sleep now? That was when he remembered the healer sprites. Maybe they could help him? Nervously, Doze crept out of his shelter looking side to side and upwards. It would be a long journey into the center of the forest but he did not have much choice.

editor

I’ll keep writing and polishing this NaNoWriMo novel.

3 thoughts on “Excerpt from my current WIP…Comments welcome.

  1. I like the ideas in here, it sounds like it’s going to be a lovely book, but what sort of age group is it aimed at? Words like ‘deter’ and ‘resolved’ may well be understood by younger readers but they, and the general use ot language, do give it a very formal and distant tone. Just a thought. Of course if this is intentional, just ignore me.

    Also, this is two huge paragraphs explaining a few very simple events. Readers, young ones in particular I imagine, find huge chunks of prose rather daunting. May be worth trimming/chopping it up it a little. You may well have intended to do this in the editing stage mind you anyway, if so just ignore me once more 🙂

    But looking forward to read more, looking forward to meeting the sprites 🙂

    Like

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