Mandy Eve-Barnett's Blog for Readers & Writers

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Sunday Snippets…

February 10, 2013

sunday_snippets2Continuing with the snippets I have decided to highlight the opening of another WIP. The title for the novel is The Twesome Loop. It is a romance with a reincarnation twist.

Brett gave Dawn a wink as he passed her desk. Her eyes smiled back as he took in her deep cleavage and musky perfume, a memory flashed into his mind of how her full breasts bounced when she was astride him.

“Good morning, Mr. Shaw. Do you need me to take dictation?”

“Not quite yet, thank you, Dawn – Mr. Collin has asked me to sort his files before ten o’clock but later I will want you. For now, just a coffee would be great.”

The innuendo hung in the air as Brett opened his office door to find a large pile of documents on his desk. He’d really have to push to get them all done in time. As he surveyed the bundles of legal documents, he glanced at the probates to see how much each estate was worth and how many heirs were entitled to it.

In the past two years, as Mr. Collin’s assistant, he had seen several large estates, but all were divided into paltry amounts, as far as Brett was concerned. He was waiting for the ‘big one’; the one that would change his life.

After an hour, only a few more bundles were left to sort and that’s when he saw it – the one. He reread the probate sum to be sure. It was worth over four million pounds and to only one heir, a daughter. Even better, she was a spinster. Ensuring he was not observed, he wrote down the daughter’s particulars and put the slip of paper in his top pocket.

This character is the scoundrel of the story. Do you dislike him?

Thank you for any comments.



  1. I wonder if the second sentence shouldn’t be two sentences. Instead of a comma, maybe a period after perfume? I got it as soon as he became downhearted over the paltry amounts of multi-divided estates. No, I don’t hate him yet but I’d love to.


  2. Good luck with the revisions. I don’t have anything to add, especially since Romance isn’t my forte. Looking forward to your selection next week though! (And, no, I don’t like him. Grrr.)


  3. Yes, I do dislike him.

    A few suggestions. Place the word “Want” as in “I’ll want you later” in itallics, and drop the tell of “Innuendo hanging in the air”.

    I’m not overly crazy about the opening. If that girl is important, I might suggest moving it down a little. Show us how he goes through the cases, then have the girl come in and have the exchenge, and then, maybe as he’s going to meet that girl, have him find “the big one”. If he frgets the girl after making plans to go meet her agian, he will be even more unlikable. 🙂


  4. Yes, I despite Shaw already. He’s very salacious toward his secretary, thinking only of his own pleasures. And I get that he categorizes everyone by their monetary worth, and it’s implied, how big a cut of the estate he can get. Very effective, and very icky. So, I guess, it’s good work writing a bad guy?


  5. Definitely drop the innuendo phrase.
    His actions make me wonder what he’s up to. Especially since he’s excited about the heir being a spinster.
    I wasn’t sure about “Ensuring he was not observed,” though. Is he in his office with the door open? And would anyone notice, even if they saw him write down a note? His banter with Dawn made me think he was smooth, but perhaps he’s sneaky and furtive.
    If you want him to feel like more of a scoundrel, give us a little more of his feelings. Does he dismiss the small inheritances as unimportant, a waste of his time? Does he shirk his work when possible? Does he respect Dawn, or is he using her?
    Sounds like a good start!


  6. He is a character isnt he! agree with dropping the innuendo as i got it 🙂 very good piece of writing x


  7. I’ve not read very much romance before, Mandy (erotica doesn’t count, right?), so I’ll do my best with the critique for you.

    I think there is a possibility that your second sentence is missing a word or two. I read it a couple of times, but I can’t get it to scan right, even when I read it out loud. That may need some attention.

    ‘but later I will want you.’ is a great line. The first thing I thought was ‘oh eh, I’m sure you do mate!’ which suggests to me that you don’t even need to mention that it’s an innuendo. Since this is a romance novel, I’d imagine that your target readers would get that. And be giggling about it, like I was.

    I like that we dive straight into the action of Brett’s life, but then there is a small paragraph of exposition which pulls me away from what Brett is up to. Is it possible to drip-feed the detail about being Mr Collin’s assistant as the story goes on. That way you can get to his finding a potential ‘target’ much sooner.

    Just the fact that he has taking this woman’s details, by the way, make me sit up. I don’t dislike him – yet – but I am interested.


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