Firstly apologies for not participating last week – life took over! I will continue where I left off with my reincarnation romance – The Twesome Loop – Brett has found the details of a rich spinster and plans to investigate her. He notes her particulars then…
Breathing a sigh of relief he then noticed the file was not for Mr. Collin at all, but for the senior partner, Mr. Forbes. Although Brett had tried to advance his position to become Mr. Forbes’ assistant, the old man disliked change and preferred to have his original secretary, Miss Coombes, who must have been ninety if a day. This may well be the day he not only got to further his career but also got his hands on a substantial amount of money.
“I’ll just be a minute, Dawn, I have a file for Mr. Forbes. If Mr. Collin arrives, please tell him his files are catalogued and ready for him.”
“Yes, Mr. Shaw. When you return will you need dictation?”
“No, I have some other matters to attend to, thank you.”
He didn’t have time for a quickie .He had more important things to do, like finding out as much as he could about Miss Lynch without raising suspicion. Brett walked down the corridor towards the senior partner’s office; it was difficult keeping his excitement in check until he turned to see Miss Coombes shriveled form hunched over her desk. It always gave Brett the shivers looking at her wizened form.
“Miss Coombes is Mr. Forbes in his office?”
“Of course he is, Mr. Shaw, where else would he be at this time of day?”
Brett nodded and rolled his eyes as he turned to gently tap on the oak door. A muffled voice commanded him enter. Forbes sat behind a dark oak desk, which gleamed with years of polishing. The aroma of Cuban cigar smoke hung in the air.
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
Mandy Eve-Barnett's Blog for Readers & Writers 
March 14, 2013 at 4:48 am
Sorry this is so late. I was determined to do the critique for the week I missed so I hope my words are still useful to you.
I love the description of Miss Coombes. It’s very clear and I love that Brett reacts as it does to the sight of her. It’s a great insight into his character; showing him off to be shallow. If previous snippets didn’t do that already!
One minor point is your dialogue. I understand that this is an office and a certain amount of formality is required, but reading the lines aloud felt awkward to me. Example being ‘Miss Coombes is Mr Forbes in his office?’ If I understand correctly then Brett and this wizened crone hunched over the desk are the only people in the room. In that case, maybe you don’t need to address her as Miss Coombes and simply go direct to the question? Just a thought.
LikeLike
March 14, 2013 at 6:37 am
I understand your viewpoint…maybe I will change it but as she is so very formal it might be expected to address her. Thanks for the comment. Hope to ‘see’ you on Sunday
LikeLike
Pingback: Ugh! What a week coming up! And Sunday Snippets Blog Hop | Jennifer M Eaton
March 2, 2013 at 9:44 pm
Happens to us all – keep your chin up!
LikeLike
February 28, 2013 at 4:11 am
This is an interesting way of getting feedback, what a good idea!
The story has a lot of interesting elements and I like the fact that Brett thinks he is better than he is, and is actually a fair way from the power he craves.
I hope this feedback is ok and what you were looking for…
I felt the ‘Although Brett..’ sentence could be combined with the later one about Miss Coombes. If Brett is supposed to be unsympathetic perhaps something like ‘Although Brett had connived to get rid of ancient Miss Coombes, old man Forbes was averse to change and the wizened old lady still sat like a gargoyle, guarding his office’ to cover both parts.
Also instead of the ‘quickie’ sentence, you could say he didn’t have time to waste with her any more or something, to play up the fact he thinks she is unimportant – the only control he has in the office perhaps?
Will be fun seeing how this story develops!
🙂
LikeLike
February 28, 2013 at 6:34 am
Wow thanks EJ. this is very helpful. I will look at revising.
LikeLike
February 24, 2013 at 3:06 pm
I don’t really see anything to contribute here. I was iffy on the beginning, but I think it’s okay since he’s reading adn then summarizing in his mind.
Maybe an emotional reaction when the girl asks if he wants dictation? A little snicker along with it to keep us hating him?
LikeLike
February 24, 2013 at 7:25 pm
Thanks Jennifer – it is rather difficult with only 250 words… a snicker is a good idea though.
LikeLike
February 24, 2013 at 12:54 pm
this sounds interesting. the dialog went really well. I enjoyed it,now I will have to see about reading more 🙂
LikeLike
February 24, 2013 at 12:57 pm
Thanks Jackie…
LikeLike